The Diary of a New Mom

Alright... I have been putting this off for long enough... I wanted to start blogging a long time ago, but it seemed like such a daunting and overwhelming task... Plus, at that time, there were so many emotions involved...

But the time has come for me to update the world... The easiest way for me to imagine getting all of this out is by making one long post including as many dates and details that I can remember... So here we go...

Winter Break - I could have slept the entire time. This was very frustrating to my mom because she thought that I was being lazy. There were things that I needed to get done, but it took so much energy to do anything, and I was already tired.
End of December/Beginning of January - There were several days that I became extremely dizzy in the shower. These were not several days in a row, but rather a few days here and there. There appeared to be no consistency with the feelings, but I brushed it off as 'normal' because I had several dizzy spells (especially while in the shower) in previous years. I had several weird feelings, including loss of hearing, light-headedness, beginning to black out, and slight nausea. To solve these dizzy spells, I would try a variety of things; sitting in the tub, turning the water temperature down, laying in the tub, and getting out of the tub and laying on the bathroom floor. Whatever it would take to get the feeling to pass. It usually only took a few minutes for the feeling to pass, and then I was right back up and in my normal routine. Didn't think much of it...
January 11, 2011 - I was not feeling well, and decided to take the day off from work. I scheduled a doctor's appointment for 2pm with my primary care doctor. I had eaten breakfast (something light), but had not ventured much out of bed that day. I got out of bed and started getting ready for my doctor's appointment around 12:30pm. While in the shower, I had one of my dizzy spells. I was a little concerned, and I figured I should bite the bullet and take a pregnancy test. I was home all by myself, and I was scared for the results. As soon as I took the test, it was positive. I was instantly terrified. I didn't know what to do or who to tell. I called my best friend, Jamie, and she calmed me down. She told me that everything would be okay. I got back in the shower and finished getting ready for my doctor's appointment, crying the whole time. I went to my doctor's appointment, where she confirmed the pregnancy. She told me that I was about six weeks along, which I had already figured out. That night I spent a lot of time with Jamie. We talked and she helped me remain calm about the situation. I didn't sleep very well that night.
January 12, 2011 (week 6, day 7) - I went to work feeling very tired, overly emotional, and still a little under-the-weather. I sent Ryan a text message at lunch, and told him that we needed to talk, preferably in person. He didn't want to talk in person or on the phone, so I had no other choice but to send him a text message and let him know that I was pregnant. He immediately called me. I was at work, but not around kids. I was eating my lunch, so I had a little while to talk. He was on his way to work. He was not very nice about the whole situation. He was very manipulative and threatening during the conversation. I could tell that we were not going to get anywhere, so I told him that I would talk to him later. I finished my work day, receiving several text messages from Ryan throughout the day. I tried to ignore the whole situation, but it was increasingly difficult to do this. That night, I came home and knew that I had to tell my mom. I sat down on the couch next to her and just started crying. I told her that I had something that I had to tell her, but through the sobbing I am sure that was hard to understand. She asked a series of questions to figure out why I was so upset, and she finally asked if I was pregnant. I told her yes, and began sobbing uncontrollably. She didn't say much, and I didn't like everything she had to say. I did not know how Mom would react, but this was different than anything I had imagined. Not better, and not worse - just different. After about three hours of crying and talking, she told me that I had to call my dad. After much resistance, I called him and asked him to come over to our apartment. He could tell that something was wrong, so he rushed over. With tears in my eyes, I told my dad that I was pregnant. He instantly wrapped me in his big, strong arms. I instantly felt safe. I was so afraid that my dad was going to be angry and leave, never to be heard from again. His reaction was a welcomed surprise. We talked, cried, and laughed for about two hours. He left, after giving my mom and me a hug. I finally went to bed, crying. I was finally able to fall asleep, but this had definitely been one of the longest and hardest days of my life.
***It is still hard for me to write about January 12th. Even while I was writing this I began to sob. I was scared that my parents, my biggest support system, were going to walk away. I never wanted to disappoint my parents, and I knew that this was a big moment of disappointment. I also realized that I was going to have to give up on some of my dreams (which I was becoming okay with), but it was hard for me to swallow the fact that my decisions were making my mom give up on her dreams for me (and for her). This is still hard for me to think about, but things are getting better.***
The days and weeks that followed - I had numerous text message and phone conversations with Ryan. These were still very stressful and emotional. We discussed everything from abortion (which was out from the beginning) to adoption (which I knew I was not strong enough to do), child support to visitation. We did a lot of fighting and arguing, and most of our conversations ended with me crying. I also scheduled my first prenatal appointment with Dr. Woolridge. Things with my parents changed as well. Mom didn't want to talk about it. This was difficult for me because I was racking my mind with all of the terrible things she was thinking but not saying. Dad had lots of very tough questions for me to answer.
January 18, 2011 (week 7, day 6) - I turned 23. This day was bittersweet for me. It was the last birthday that would really be all about me. I didn't celebrate much - everyone was still in shock.
January 28, 2011 (week 9, day 2) - I had my first prenatal appointment, and my first sonogram. Mom went with me, but wasn't in the room the entire time. She was there for support and to ask questions that I didn't know or think to ask. They took a urine sample and weighed me. They took blood and ran lots of blood tests. Then they did a sonogram. Although the baby was so so small, it was there. Dr. Woolridge measured the baby's length, and confirmed that the baby was 2.14 cm - 8 weeks and 5 days. This measurement was a few days shy of what I calculated, but nothing to worry about. She found a heartbeat - nice and strong - and very fast (162 bpm). She said everything looked perfect, and sent me home with things to read and samples of prenatal vitamins. Because of a previous condition, Dr. Woolridge felt that I should go see a perinatal specialist for a sonogram to determine if the condition was still present. If the condition was still present, I would be considered a high-risk pregnancy. We scheduled the appointment for February 23rd. After the appointment, I sent Ryan a text message to let him know what they said at my appointment. I let him know about the upcoming appointments, and let him know that he was welcome to attend since this was his baby. Things still were not great with him, but I felt that he needed and had the right to know what was going on with his child.
February 11, 2011 (week 11, day 2) - I had another appointment with Dr. Woolridge. She did an annual exam, and this made me very nervous. She said that it was important to make sure that the baby could be as healthy as possible, and she explained the placement of the baby and ensured that the baby would be completely safe. After the exam, she used the Doppler to listen to the heartbeat. It was still there and still strong. It had slowed since the first appointment, but was still in the proper range. I went to this appointment alone, which I was fine with since I knew what would be happening. Dr. Woolridge also wrote me a prescription for the prenatal vitamins that I preferred. Although my choice is two separate pills, they are still HUGE. One is strictly a vitamin, and the other provides DHA (for brain development).
February 18-20, 2011 (week 12, days 2-4) - This was the most fun weekend I had had in a long time. Jamie, Bre, Samantha, Gabby and I piled in my car and drove (the longest drive ever) to Austin. We were going for AOII State Day, but we left on Friday afternoon. We made several stops (food, gas, sight-seeing, dinner, etc). We had so much fun! We finally (after 6 hours) made it to Austin. We checked into our hotel, and decided to check out 6th Street. We didn't want to go out, so we drove to Downtown and checked out all of the places we wanted to go to the following night. We went to a restaurant to get something to eat, but we were not served. After waiting quite a while, we left. We went to a grocery store and bought some snacks and ice cream, and then went back to the hotel. We talked and giggled for a while, and finally settled down to go to bed. On Saturday, we attended Texas AOII State Day. The program wasn't great (maybe I was too tired or too busy thinking about what we were going to do that night), but it is always fun to get together with those women. There was a great silent auction and the Emporium was there. We held Ritual and learned about the importance of heart health. After State Day was over, we went out to dinner at the Hula Hut. It was so much fun, perfect weather, and great food. We spent several hours there, but it was worth it. It was so much fun to just spend time with great friends. Then we went back to the hotel and took a nap. We slept for about three hours before getting ready for our night on the town. We got ready - which was hilarious - five girls, one bathroom, lots of clothes, makeup and hairspray. We went downstairs, only to find some AOII women that we all greatly admire. We were all a little embarrassed to see these women. We were all dressed to go out, but they assured us that they were our age at one time. The encouraged us to go out and have fun, but to be safe. And that is just what we did. We made it to 6th Street, found parking, and hit the bars. I was obviously the designated driver. We got in free everywhere we went, and the girls rarely paid for drinks. I stuck to Sprite! We danced and the girls had a drink or two at each bar we went to, and finally I had to sit down! Gabby and I went into a bar that was less crowded and found a booth to sit at. The other girls went next door and had a drink at a famous bar that they wanted to go to (but it was really crowded). When the other three girls came back to meet up with Gabby and me, we were surrounded by five guys. We ended up staying at this bar until everything closed. We saw some really strange things on our walk back to the car. We all laughed really hard, and Gabby almost wet her pants. We made it back to the hotel, and then Bre, Samantha and I made a Wendy's run. This was the worst designed Wendy's ever - no inside and a drive-thru line that wrapped around the building. We made it back to the hotel, and went to bed. On Sunday, we woke up and got ready to get on the road. We decided to stop just outside of Austin to get the world's largest donut. It was bigger than my head. We split it in the car, and then stopped at IHOP (which was where we originally wanted to have breakfast). We stopped just after IHOP to get gas for the trip home. While at the truck stop, Bre lost her trucker hat and proceeded to chase it all over the parking lot. We locked her out of the car, and we all (even Bre) shared a good laugh! We made it home in great time. I don't know about the other girls, but I took the longest nap ever - glad to be back in my own bed! This was a great weekend. After all of the eventful drama that has been going on in my life lately, it was nice to get away from my normal life and relax with some friends. They knew I was pregnant, but it wasn't what we talked about most of the time. I am so lucky to have great friends like those girls! Love you guys!
February 23, 2011 (week 12, day 7) - I had my appointment with Dr. Brown-Elliot. She is the perinatal specialist that Dr. Woolridge wanted me to see. Mom went to the appointment with me. I filled out some paperwork, and they took me back to the exam room. They checked some things and asked me some questions, and finally brought Mom into the room. The equipment they have at the specialist's office looks like NASA operating systems. It is so high-tech. The picture was pretty clear, but since this is my first real sonogram the doctor had to point almost everything out to me. Dr. Brown-Elliot was very thorough and checked for anything and everything. We got some great pictures and she said that everything looked perfect. The baby was being shy and had its legs crossed so she couldn't make any gender predictions.
March 11, 2011 (week 15, day 2) - I had an appointment with Dr. Woolridge. She went over everything that Dr. Brown-Elliot sent over in her report. She confirmed that everything looked fine, and there was no presence of the condition I had previously been diagnosed with. She weighed me and asked how everything was going. She asked if I had any questions, but I didn't. The appointment was easy, but Mom was there for help and support.
March 18-20, 2011 (week 16, day 2-4) - Mom and I ventured to Louisiana for AOII State Day. It was full of great food, good meetings, and meeting tons of new AOIIs. It was fun to spend time with Mom, and I can totally tell that she is getting more excited about the baby. I met some boys on the ULM baseball team. Mom went to ULM when she was in college, and we had lots of fun with the baseball team on our floor. It made me wonder what it would have been like if I would have gone away to college. I met some great collegiate and alumnae women, and we shared some great laughs over wonderful food! I would love to go back again sometime soon!
March 25, 2011 (week 17, day 2) - This was a very important day to Mom, Dad, and me. When I told them that I was pregnant, they were both afraid that I would not finish college. I had one class that I had to take in order to graduate. So I began my Texas History Express Course. It was a whirlwind, and I left class with my head spinning. There was so much information to cover in just three short weekends. I was committed to finishing that class, and prove to my parents that I would in fact finish college. I understand their fear, but I was not going to let that happen to me!
***Sometime in March, my dad told my grandmother, Grammy. He knew that I was stressed out about telling my grandparents, so he wanted to lift some of the weight off my shoulders. It was greatly appreciated!***
April 1, 2011 (week 18, day 2) - The long awaited day finally came. I was scheduled for another sonogram with Dr. Brown-Elliot. This was my anatomy scan, a scan that checks and measures everything on the little tiny body that is growing inside of me. As usual, Dr. Brown-Elliot checked and explained everything. She saw no signs of a clef pallet or any other developmental issues. She checked the heart, lungs, kidneys, and any other organ. We saw five little fingers on each hand and five tiny toes on each foot. We also found out that I am growing a little baby BOY! I started crying after she told us, but I am not sure why. A flood of emotions washed over me. I know that I wanted and really thought I was having a girl. I know that Mom really wanted me to have a girl. I was scared that if I was having a boy, Ryan would fight me for the baby. On top of all of that, finding out the gender of your little one makes it so incredibly real! It was a good appointment - reassurance of a healthy baby is always welcome. I left with a few pictures of the little one and a DVD of the entire appointment.
April 8, 2011 (week 19, day 2) - I had another appointment with Dr. Woolridge. These appointments were starting to get predictable, so I told Mom that she didn't need to come. This appointment was all of 5 minutes. They took another urine sample, weighed me, and asked if I had any questions.
April 10, 2011 (week 19, day 4) - I finished my Texas History Express class. I learned a ton of information about Texas, and some of it I still remember. The class was a lot more enjoyable than I first imagined. I received an A in the course, finishing off my college transcript. Shortly after finishing the class, I ordered a transcript, hand-delivered it to TWU, picked up my graduation tickets, and purchased my cap and gown.
April 17, 2011 (week 20, day 4) - I attended April's bridal shower. It was so great to see my friends and celebrate such an exciting event in a friend's life. Everyone asked how I was doing, and April even talked to the little one in my belly.
***Sometime during April, I told my grandmother, Mimi. This was difficult, but I knew that I had to tell her. She took it as I had expected. She was shocked and sad, but she told me that she loves me no matter what. She asked questions about how I was doing and how the baby was doing. It was yet another weight lifted off my shoulders, but this time I had to do it on my own!***
May 6, 2011 (week 23, day 2) - I had another appointment with Dr. Woolridge. They did the usual, but this time when they asked if I had any questions, I pulled out a list. Mom was surprised that I had a list, and I covered all of her questions (plus some). I gained a little more weight than Dr. Woolridge would have liked for me to have gained over the past month, but she said she is not currently too concerned about it. She told me to watch what I eat, and get up and exercise.
***Sometime during the week of May 8-13, I told my grandmother, Nanny. This was the hardest person to tell, other than my parents. I literally lay on my bed crying and shaking as I told her. Mom came into my room and held me. Nanny was shocked and sad, but she also told me she loves me no matter what and she would help me as much as possible. She did not say much to Mom or me about it for a while.***
May 14, 2011 (week 24, day 3) - This was probably the biggest, most important day of my life so far. I finally graduated from college. I finished all of my requirements in April. I proudly walked across the stage, receiving my Bachelor's degree in Education. My mom and dad were there, as well as Brenda and Jamie. I teared up a few times, but I made it through. I had an over-whelming sense of pride and feeling of accomplishment as I moved my tassel from the right side of my cap to the left side of my cap. I didn't receive my actual degree - that will come in the mail in several months. I am so glad that I decided to walk during graduation - not just for me, but for my parents. It was truly a day I will not forget.
May 17, 2011 (week 24, day 6) - I had another appointment with Dr. Brown-Elliot. This time I invited both my mom and my dad. I was not sure if this would be weird for Dad, but he thought it was neat to see the baby, and he said it made it even more real for him to see the little one. Dr. Brown-Elliot checked and measured everything again. I was able to point out some things on the sonogram, but still not everything. She said that everything still looks perfect, and I am still having a little boy. This time she was able to tell me that he is weighing one pound, nine ounces - which is right on track for how far along I am. It is so comforting to hear the reassuring words of the doctor telling you that your baby looks perfect and healthy.

That brings us to today, May 23, 2011. I think I have started nesting. This weekend I started cleaning my bathroom - cleaning and organizing. This is probably a relief to Mom, and it makes me feel good to get something cleaned, organized, and ready for the future. In the upcoming week, I plan to clean and organize my closet and begin working on my bedroom. We are going to Arkansas this weekend to visit my grandparents. But I am sure I will post more about this later this week.

So now I am all caught up! Now, moving forward...

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Tackle It Tuesday - Part 1

Monday, May 23, 2011

Laying Out a Plan

Playing Catch Up

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